Navigating Grief: Coping With Loss

On a summer morning in 2019, I was woken up with a phone call during which I learnt that my grandmother had died. I recall feeling numb and unable to process what I had just heard. She was one of the strongest women in my life, with a heart of gold. I was told that the same heart had failed her; she had a cardiac arrest. As I attended her funeral, I remember a flurry of memories that I had with her clouding my mind. I grieved her loss for several months. I felt isolated and unsure of how to go about doing the same things again. At the same time, I saw those around me share a sense of immense loss, each of them grieving her loss and having their own journeys of meaning making throughout the process. While grief is universal, the way in which each of us cope with it is unique.

The grief associated with a loss in our lives can be overwhelming. For most of us, it engulfs us when we least expect it and we find ourselves grappling with the fear of letting go. No matter how prepared one may be, losing a person dear to us, leaves us with our wounds wide open. Each one of us have different ways of coping with grief associated with loss. Our meaning of these experiences is also very different.

If you are someone who has experienced loss, it is normal and natural for the emotions you experience to feel overwhelming. These emotions are a part of your healing journey and while healing from loss is possible, it tends to take time and patience.

We will be looking at the 5 stages of grief given by the Swiss American Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. Grief can result not only due to the death of a loved one, but also due to an illness, end of a relationship or even the end of a dream or project. There is also no singular way to grieve, and everyone navigates this in their own way, in their own time. These five stages can help you understand where you are at in your own grieving process and what you feel. One may not go through all of these stages and may even go back and forth between stages, or you may even skip these stages and process your grief in a completely different way.

• Denial: For most people, this is the first response to loss. Denial is also a defence mechanism that cushions the blow of encountering something that is hurtful. We may doubt the reality of the loss at first. For example, a person who lost a loved one may wait for someone to come and tell them that it was a mistake and nothing really happened. Or someone whose relationship ended may wait for their partner to apologize and get back with them. Denial is the primary response that takes you through the first wave of pain and when you’re ready, these feelings that you denied will resurface and you will be on your path to healing.

• Anger: The anger you may experience at this stage can also be combined with irritability, anxiety, bitterness or rage. The pain resulting from the loss is redirected and expressed by people in the form of anger. We may feel angry at people, objects or situations and ask questions like, “why me?” or “what did I do to deserve this?”. We may also feel angry towards the person who we lost and this can lead to feelings of guilt. During this phase, we need to remind ourselves that the root cause of this anger is pain and that even though we may not like it, it is necessary for healing.

• Bargaining: Through the process of bargaining, what we’re trying to do is hold on to hope during the situation of intense pain. We may say out loud that we are willing to do everything for the situation to go back to how it was and we may even think of “what if’s”, what if you would have done something differently to avert the loss. This stage might even be accompanied by guilt. However, these emotions are normal and help you heal as you confront the reality of your loss.

• Depression: In this stage, depression is not a mental disorder but a natural response to grief. One starts facing the loss that they have experienced which brings about intense feelings of sadness and despair. It can also make you feel fatigued, distracted or confused, not hungry or wanting to eat, or vulnerable. These emotions are normal and a necessary part of one’s healing journey.

• Acceptance: This stage is about acknowledging the losses that one has experienced, learning how to live with them and readjusting our lives accordingly. At times you may feel that you have reached this stage whereas in other situations you may find yourself going back and forth between stages. This is completely okay. You may even want to reach out to friends or family. With time, you may find yourself in this stage for long periods of time.

Reaching out for help can provide you with support and comfort when you are experiencing intense grief and are unable to cope with it.

• Friends and Family– Engaging with loved ones by verbally expressing how you feel, or even having them as company if you don’t want to talk can give you a sense of support and relief from the inner turmoil you may be feeling.

• Support groups– Being a part of a support group will connect you with others who may be going through something similar, along with providing you with a safe space to voice your emotions and feelings.

• Mental health professionals– Approaching a mental health practitioner can help you cope with your experiences of loss with the help of therapy, grief counselling or other modalities.

Some ways through which we can help those who are grieving are- reaching out to them, providing them with a safe space to voice their emotions, exploring areas where they may need help managing their loss and even helping them search for resources like a support group or mental health practitioner who they can speak to. The decision to reach for help is upon the person, but having these resources can help them when they are prepared to take it.