To be or Not be like Atharva?

Disclaimer: This article does not intend to criticize the series or any aspect of the series in any way. 

A character from the recent release ‘Family Man-2’ is getting lots of applause from the public. That character is none other than ‘Atharva’. He is the youngest child in the family, really sweet, who constantly keeps telling everyone in the family to not worry and that he is there for them. He keeps consoling everyone in their distressed time, shows empathy and unconditional acceptance. When he senses some trouble between his parents, he comforts both of them, talks to them, shows his availability both in words and in his actions. He uses his innocence, humor and simplicity to lighten the mood at home. Who wouldn’t want to have an Atharva in their life? But what does Atharva want? No one ever seems to be asking him that question. Well, to understand what Atharva wants, we need to understand a phenomenon he seems to be going through. It is called “Parentification”.

The first thing one needs to understand about Parentification is that it is not a healthy sign. But what really is this?

Sometimes, one or both parents are unavailable for the child either physically or mentally. This may happen due to many reasons such as, death, divorce, neglect, a parent having a medical condition/ disability, or a mental health condition. In such situations, the role of the child and the parents is reversed and the child starts taking responsibilities of the parents. We sometimes see children who are ‘too mature’ for their age and often compliment them without giving this much thought. Depending on the need of the situation and the child’s own capabilities, a child can either become an ‘Instrumental Adult’ i.e. they may start cooking at home,  worry about finances at home, looking after chores at home, taking care of the younger sibling, or they may even be caretakers of parents if there is any disability involved.

Some children can also turn into ‘Emotional Adults’. They may not specifically ‘DO’ things for or instead of their parents, but they provide emotional support to their parents. They may give advice, provide a listening ear to the parent, or sometimes even mediate between parents, and in general be emotionally available for the parents. Now doesn’t Atharva sound like a parentified child?

From the developmental perspective, children’s emotional needs include the need to feel safe, secured and loved. But is a Parentified child getting these needs fulfilled? In fact there is not only neglect and isolation but also excessive expectation that is disproportionate to their age. This brings us to the important aspect of this topic, how Parentification impacts a child’s mental health. Many may believe that children who become mature early is a healthy way of coping, however another perspective could be that may be this maturity has stemmed from the child not having a childhood at all. So let us all ask this question: is this really healthy or just convenient for the rest of the society?

Studies have shown that Parentified children can experience anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, compulsive need to fulfil responsibilities, feeling of guilt or shame. As adults they may develop trust issues resulting in unhealthy relationships, they may also develop an exaggerated sense of authority, entitlement and/or responsibility. They may be at increased risk to develop anxiety and depression later on in their life. Now let us review our concept again, is Parentification really healthy?

To conclude, we would like to say that a child learns age appropriate empathy and emotional sensitivity through observational learning (seeing parents behave in similar ways toward the child and others). A Parentified child is not getting or seeing the empathy he needs and instead is just going out of its way to give it to the parents. Hence each of us can aim to be an Atharva but try not creating situations at home where becoming Atharva looks like a forced choice.